Thursday, August 12, 2010

Mom guilt and brutally embarrassing honesty

It is by far the very worst thing in the universe! I mean, it has to be, right?! I am at a constant struggle just with myself! My boys are the very most important things in my life, period! Not my house, not some image, not anything else. As long as they are happy and healthy, I'm doing my job! So, why oh why can I never feel unguilty about one thing or another?!
It's so bad in the mornings right now....
This is the every morning conversation: (me in the bathroom, the boys on my bed watching Mickey Mouse) "Mommy, what you doing?" "I'm getting ready for work. What are you doing?" "Watching Ca'toons. I don't want you to go to work. I want you to stay home with me and baby Sawyer."
I mean, are you kidding me with that??? Break. my. heart. EVERY morning!
And then there's the house. Being totally honest here, it's a wreck! Stuff everywhere that needs to be put away, somewhere! But how do I do that when I have a 3 year old that just wants me to play with him and a 5 month old that just wants to see me in the same room?!
So, a break down of my day roughly goes something like this (Kyle leaves as I'm waking up)....
I wake up; begin getting myself ready for the day/work; take Trey Trey Bear to the back door to do his morning business; I dash into the boys' rooms to get any supplies needed for the diaper bag being taken to the sitters and quickly re-stock that; let Trey back in; head back into my bathroom/room; by this point, if not before, Jackson is waking up and calling for me, he needs me to carry all of his "ki-ki's" (aka: blankets and loveys) to my room; we work on the potty training, sometime this is quick and easy, other times it's pulling teeth; he then wants a cup of milk (I don't dare do this step without him, he's a big helper and always wants to "go with you"); back to my room to watch ca'toons; I'm back in the bathroom or the closet at this point; now Sawyer's waking up; I get him and put him on my bed, change his diaper, and his clothes; back to getting me ready; time for a bottle; start telling Jackson to get ready to go bye-bye; finish bottle/burp; tell Jackson to gather what he wants to take with him, tell him to leave half of it at home, tell him to go put his shoes on; let him turn off the TV; gather anything of mine that I need - shoes, jewelry, phone; head into the living room; buckle Sawyer into his carrier; fold up blankies that are going in the bag; get various breakfast food items that are chosen for that day (right now it's Dora yogurt, apple sauce, and a nutri-grain bar); head out the door; put Sawyer in the car; Jackson looks for a flower for me, then comes to his side of the car; head to the sitters; drop off the boys; head to work; work my 8 hours; head back to sitters to pick up the boys; hopefully go straight home, but many times we have to make a mad dash to Kroger's or Wal-Mart; get home; get a snack and a drink refill for Jackson; get Sawyer situated in/with a toy; pull out ingredients for supper; start a load of laundry; check on boys (our kitchen is a separate room - ugh - but Sawyer is usually in the kitchen with me; start supper; check on boys; go get something for one of them; give Sawyer a bottle; finish supper; Kyle gets home; we eat; it's bath time - one of us bathes and the other cleans up the kitchen; after baths we each take a kiddo, and get them to sleep; Kyle usually gets Sawyer to sleep, so then he picks up the living room or folds laundry; head to bed to do it all again in a few hours!
So that's Monday - Friday!
Weekends: spent cleaning/laundry, visiting family, going to Church, and trying to sit down for a minute! And that is why I let many things go that I normally, or pre-children, wouldn't have!
And I have a slew of projects that I am just itching to get done. But I just can't! If I do find the time, I just can't bring myself to work on stuff.... Mom Guilt! If I have so called "free time" then I want to spend that with the boys. If they are sleeping or such, then I feel like I need to be cleaning and organizing all the things that I have let go at other times! It's awful! How do I have the Cleaver's life??


*kim* said...

I have never had small children, so I cannot relate to the Mom Guilt, but I do know how easy it is to get into a hum-drum routine life and feel like I'm not giving enough time to one thing or another. I admire you for being able to get it all done! I don't think you should feel one bit guilty for being a 100% loving mother, wife, friend, and employee! I think you should receive some sort of SuperMom Award instead! :)

LeLe said...

Girl, I am SO feeling you! Of course, I don't have a toddler AND a baby but I let tons of stuff go because I feel like I hardly see Winston. So, I do the minimum of what needs to be done (seriously, you should see my bathtub...I'm gonna HAVE to clean it this weekend) such as laundry and dishes and cooking. I'd rather spend time with him than wish later down the road I would have done less cleaning and more mommying. I'm definitely not going to judge you and I really doubt anyone else will unless they are superwoman and really, do we know many women like that? I don't. I honestly think women like you and me who work so much and still manage to spend time with our guys are superwomen. :)

Dave and Shannon said...

It's worth noting that June Cleaver and all of the 50's sitcom moms with a perfect life and perfect house and perfect kids... DID NOT WORK OUTSIDE OF THE HOME. So instead of perfect life and perfect house, just be content with the perfect kids part! (I will try to follow this advice myself! HA)

Stephanie Wood Smith said...

I'm exhausted from reading this!!! I think I'll wait a little longer to have my second kid! Lol. Hope you get some free time to yourself soon :)